- Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
- He's all right now.
- How do crazy people go through the forest?
- They take the psycho path.
- How do you get holy water?
- Boil the hell out of it.
- How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
- She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
- What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
- What do prisoners use to call each other?
- Cell phones.
- What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
- National Dyslexics Association.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
- A stick.
- What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho Cheese.
- What do you call Santa's helpers?
- Subordinate Clauses.
- What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
- Quatro sinko.
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
- Spoiled milk.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
- A pachydermatologist!
- What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
- A pool table.
- What is a zebra?
- 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
- and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
- What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
- A nervous wreck.
- What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
- The taste.
- What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
- Anyone can roast beef.
- Where do you find a no legged dog?
- Right where you left him.
- Where do you get virgin wool from?
- Ugly sheep.
- Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
- They all have phones.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
- They're trying to get away from the noise.
- Rejected Hallmark Greetings
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out
you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
8. You totalled your car...
and can't remember why...
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?