- Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
- Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
- Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
- A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact,
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she
admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
- A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom
factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But
why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not
only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as
- An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
- One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her
husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much,
but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names
right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face
inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the
children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the
fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is
time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a
three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet
the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and
still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a
lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as
her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my
darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards
hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the
fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled
over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we
never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that
must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
- This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."
- A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
- Sharon was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon
early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut
glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity;
surely Sharon had flipped! But he certainly couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange
floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no
longer. "Sharon," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down
town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put
it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all
- A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a
biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing
out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down
at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I
believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
- There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics
that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a
Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation.
They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, they knew
man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew that they needed
animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because of
their advanced knowledge of tools. Next, they knew that they had to eat,
and that fish were the best source of food. Finally, they were a
religious group and knew man had to have
After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew
is read from right to left! It says 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that
- AT&T is reportedly interested in buying America Online. If this occurs,
federal regulators are concerned the merged corporation will have a total
monopoly on busy signals.
- Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first
shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the
way to the depot.
Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang
of hardened criminals.
- A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one
look at this woman and all his professionalism went right out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor,
not being able to control himself, began to stroke her thigh. While doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied.
"You're checking for any abrasions, or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breast. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said. You're checking for any lumps, or
breast cancer." "Correct," he replied.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having intercourse with
her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied. "Your getting herpes, which is why I came here in
the first place."
- An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried
back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed
the older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you
know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't
spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license
to legally marry your Ma." "Pa!" the young man stammered, "Do you know what that makes me?" "Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, " ... and a cheap one,
- Top Children's Books You'll Never See:
- "You Were an Accident"
- "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
- "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
- "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
- "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
- "Grandma's dead and rotting"
- "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
- "All Dogs Go to Hell"
- "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
- "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
- "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
- "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
- "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
- "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
- "You Are Different and That's Bad"