- Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear
a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a
lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her
that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse
tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot
allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still
must wear a blouse to enter this church."
- Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire
an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He
then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a
civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by
- A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her
that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for
ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on
the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the
good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her
seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever
imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told
him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence.
He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens
laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one
morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy.
he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me
- A few miles down the road he saw another man out in the fields
frenziedly bonking a sheep. Appalled at having witnessed a
second case of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered
several prayers, crosses himself fervently, and drove on.
Finally, on the outskirts of town, he caught sight of a man
leaning against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically. The
young priest, then and there decided grimly on the topic of his
"As I approached this fair town," he began that Sunday, "I
witnessed three abominations. First, on the roadside a man
committing an unnatural act with a sheep. Shortly thereafter
was another man in a field committing the same unnatural act
with another sheep! And third, at the very outskirts of this
town, a man was committing an unnatural act with himself!"
A voice spoke up from somewhere in the congregation, "Aye,
that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!
- A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house
in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a
couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another
couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some
bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house,
and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and
the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a
brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
- For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was
volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no
longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his
wife, "Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian
- If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?
- The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
- Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!
- Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig,
because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not
even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've
never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so
I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go
into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl
asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."