- It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue
whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately
down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't
grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream
Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I
wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her
taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I
Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces,
don't be a
Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it
your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She
screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I
Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!
as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a
in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
Dave goes into a public restroom and sees this guy standing next to
the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Dave is standing there taking
care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going
to take a leak.
Dave finishes and starts to leave when the man asks him to help him
Being a kind soul, Dave says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Dave says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Dave replies, "UH, yeah, OK..."
Dave pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with
hair clumps, rashes, scabs and it reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Dave to aim it for him, and so he points it for him.
Dave then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells him, "Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it."
Dave says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I
AIN'T TOUCHING IT...."
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years
and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a
pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and
whether the pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is
a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What
do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with
disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop
them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their
car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up
with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO
ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."