"I just purchased the most expensive hearing aid ever made," Stanley told his pal Joe. "Imported from Sweden and guaranteed for life."
"How much did it cost?" Joe asked.
"Five past two."

Gus said to his wife over dinner, "You know, drinking makes you beautiful."
Puzzled, the woman said, "I don't drink."
"I know," said Gus, "but I do."

Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot more than once, then eat what they shoot.

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife's bedroom closet.
"Hey, what are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus."
"That's a stupid thing to say!"
"That's a stupid thing to ask!"

Two guys are driving through town when they come to a red light. The driver floors it. The passenger says, "What the hell are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" The driver says, "It's okay. My brother drives like this." They come to another red light, and the driver floors it again. The other guy says, "We're gonna die if you keep doing that." Then they come to a green light, and the driver slams on the brakes. The other guy says, "What the hell are you doing now?" The driver says, "My brother might be coming through the other way."

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...". A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. "You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply. "Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

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