Have A Good Laugh
- After Sunday Mass, Mary goes up to Father O'Grady in tears.
He says, "Mary, dear, what's bothering you?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got awful news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have anylast request?"
She says, "That he did Father."
"What was it, Mary?"
"He said, 'For the love of God, Mary, put down that gun!'"
- This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at
the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "Well, it's a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you
jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the windcatches you and you're
pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the
window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs
over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes
to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the
window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and jumps
out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100
feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually
closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman,
you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
- A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband
awake at night.
She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very skeptical
in believing this and
goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.
Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece
of ribbon, ties it around
the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is
Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he
is very drunk.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman
is desperate and
thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of ribbon,
and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him.
The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly. The next morning the
up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is
standing in front of the toilet,
he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He
is very confused.
He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs
He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened
but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place."
- Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells
her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde.
He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
- John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the
owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed
would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said, immediately, and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and
came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
- Q - What do Marilyn Monroe, Darrel Hanna and a tree have in common?
- A - They've all been banged by a Kennedy.
- Q - Why isn't Santa likely to have children?
- A - He only comes once a year.