"Oh great ... now this thing is going to be up all night!"
First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. The
man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. The truly sad part was
that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and . . . well . . . you know the rest.
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious", the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture....."
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and astutely observed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"