- A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is
anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and
says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo
if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like
play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow
$100, she can stay home to do it!
- Two airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia and one says, "Let's go
have a beer,"
The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes
like whiskey, and you don't have any hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it apiece and it tastes great and they
have a good time, and the next morning, one of them calls up the other
and he says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"I feel great."
"Me too. No hangover."
"Just one thing. Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T. I'm calling from Phoenix!"
How did you happen to break your leg, Mister Blount?"
"Well, Doctor, it was like this. Twenty-five years ago, I was on the road
and it got dark and.... "
"Never mind that. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Well, twenty-five years ago, I was on the road and it got dark and I
needed a place to stay and there was only this one farmhouse near, so I
knocked on the door and the farmer answered and I told him my situation,
and he said, "Well, you can stay here but you'll have to share a room
with my beautiful daughter," and I said that would be OK, so I went up
and crawled into bed and she was already asleep, and that night, right
after I'd gone to sleep, she woke me up and asked me if there was
anything I wanted. I said no, everything was fine. She said, 'Are you
sure?' I said, 'I'm sure,' She said, 'Isn't there anything I can do for
you?' I said, 'I reckon not."
"What does this have to do with your broken leg?"
"Well, this morning, it dawned on me what she meant by that, and I fell
off the roof!"
- The Mama Stork and the Papa Stork and the Baby Stork sat down to dinner
and Mama said, "What did you do today, Papa?"
Papa said, "I was out making someone very happy."
And Mama said, "I was out making someone very happy too. What were you
And the Baby Stork said, "I was out scaring the crap out of college
- Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his
body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday.
One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed
he was suntanned all over except for his penis.
He decided to do something about it.
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the
sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When
she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with
She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world."
asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious
about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When
I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I
forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and
I'm too old to squat!!!"
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and a man, obviously drunk, began
screaming at him.
"It's terrible! I went into the bar for a few drinks, and when I came
they'd ransacked my car! They took the radio, the steering wheel, the
the gas pedal, the glove compartment---the whole friggin dashboard, in
After dutifully writing down the address of the bar, the desk sergeant
dispatched a car.
Moments later, the phone rang again.
"Never mind," the drunk told him, I got in the backseat by mistake.
- A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the
missus a quick one, and then go to work.
On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me
a blow job during the ride to work.
Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the
photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.
At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking.
For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night, I give the missus another screw......
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"