- A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She
charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no
fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
- Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a...
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully
place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot
until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short
pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride
to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got
ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
- On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel
room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom
to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance."
- A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of
the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students
a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure," she says, "he's at home taking care of the kids."
- A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "Running of
the Bulls" festival. After his first day there, he has dinner at a restaurant
in the center of town. He orders the house special and he is brought a
plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?"
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull that lost
at the arena this afternoon."
At first, the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides
to try the local delicacy, and to his amazement, it is quite delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to return the next evening and order
The following evening the waiter brings out the plate but this time the
meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" the man asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much
bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
- A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels
really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys
a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same
question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants
in ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought why not and let her slip her hand
down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
- A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
- Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."