- Prison - Vs - Work
- IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
- AT WORK - you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
- IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.
- AT WORK - you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
- IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
- AT WORK - you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
- IN PRISON - a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
- AT WORK - you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.
- IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
- AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
- IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
- AT WORK - you have to share.
- IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
- AT WORK - you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
- IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
- AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
- IN PRISON - you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
- AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
- IN PRISON - there are wardens who are often sadistic.
- AT WORK - they are called 'Supervisors and Managers '.
- A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who
walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the
bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very
soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me,
but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning
women -- what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl
could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?"
'Well,' Said the Barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same
thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking
- Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had
an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives
them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed
cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he
understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions
correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked
out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's
hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon
mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what
questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities
and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct
answer said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut
off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.
"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
- Did you hear the first Viagra baby has been born?
- It could stand up right away.
- Two drunks are at the bar. The first guy says, "Let's have one more drink
and then go find some broads."
The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at
The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your
- A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie
The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at
least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties
them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live
with my mother-in-law, my wife is doing my best friend, my daughter is
pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking
off these shoes."
- A couple was going to a costume party and the husband was unsure of what
costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late
for the party. She came walking down the stairs from the bedroom,
completely naked except for a big old floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I'm going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
"What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I'm a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
and I come."
- What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
- "Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk
to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years and years now!"
- This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says,
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."