- Real Engineers
- Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
- Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for
- Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because
- Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
- Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
- Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their
own shirt size.
- Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions,
watches, and automatic transmissions.
- Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius,
298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
- Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with
a dial tone or busy signal.
- Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are.
Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I
drove my own car".
- Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with
their name on it and an office with a window.
- Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
- Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
- Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions)
before making a bird bath.
- Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of
"Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
- Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the blonde shouted back, "It's a SCARF!"
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. "Be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,"Ow! that
hurts!" Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,"Ouch! That hurts,
she touched her right earlobe; "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you A
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."
- WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
- "I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
- "It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
- "Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
- "It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
- "That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
- "You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
- "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
- "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
- "What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
- "I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
- "You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."
- "You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
- "We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
- The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."
The CO said "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Joe?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
- "Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia'
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed
waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and
says, 'does my paranoia'?"
- Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The
family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car,
where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me
how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to
me all these years."
- Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's
a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing
in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
- Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use
the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking
to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they
end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum
powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his
hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where
the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were
closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great
looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I
ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went
- A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he
all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!
- One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
"The big sissy."