- Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9
holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet
Amanpreet agrees and they're off.
They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead
by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help
me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball
carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he
Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners
and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"
"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"
"And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been
STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
- The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
- Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said,
"but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her
best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."
- Doctor, the embarrased man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it
up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around.
Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your
wife didn't give me an erection either."
- An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she's
pulled over by a cop.
The cop says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have
to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
The Amish woman replies, "Oh, Mercy, officer! Thank you! You can be sure
I'll tell my Jacob as soon as I get home."
The cop replies, "That's fine, but one other thing, ma'am. I don't
like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of
his testicles. I consider that cruelty to animals. Have your husband take
care of that right away."
Later on at home, the lady is telling Jacob about her encounter with
the cop, and he says, "Rachel, dear, what exactly did the man say?"
"Well, first, he said the reflector is broken."
"Rest easy, woman. I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake."
- A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order
five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down
at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they
begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows,
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices
join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks
over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up
jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives,
all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie
monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of
the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the
crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man,
"what do you do for a living?
"Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
- THE INTELLECTUAL CHICKEN
- Submitted by KTones
For all you philosophers out there.....
Q: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
A: SEE BELOW
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever
motive there was.
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions
have no meaning except to him.
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate
relationship between me and the chicken
Because the Chicken was kicked out of the coop.
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross
the road of his own free will.
Because the government had fooled him into thinking
that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really
only serving their interests.
It was a historical inevitability.
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
To die. In the rain.
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will
both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem
Colonel Sanders of KFC:
I missed one?