- A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to
get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said,
"Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't
understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a
Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU
WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
- A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies
dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd -- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old man, at least eighty
years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lies.
The old man kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
- Q: How are men like vacations?
- A: They never seem to be long enough.
- Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do
paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for
a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a
seat, we may have an opening."
- The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May
- The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . ."
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one
day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,"
he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
- Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the
front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The
driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
- Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that
he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as
to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the
States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He
arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How
have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not
Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a
little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you
weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and
walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!"
screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen.
We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut
butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, free cable TV, and a full liquor
bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very
- Miller's Law of Insurance - Insurance covers everything except what happens.
- First Law of Living - As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing,
you want to be doing something else.
- Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness - Any food that starts out hard will
soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
- Kenny's Law of Auto Repair - The part requiring the most consistent repair
or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
- Second Law of Business Meetings - If there are two possible ways to spell a
person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
- Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
- The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from
the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
- Firmage's Law of Family Planning - The next pregnancy comes nine months
after the last cloth diaper is thrown away.
- Lampner's Law of Employment - When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.
When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
- Flugg's Law - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world
is composed of aluminum and vinyl.
- Murphy's First Law for Wives - If you ask your husband to pick up five items
at the store and then you add one more as an after thought, he will forget two
of the first five.
- Lovka's Advice - Never rely on a person who uses "party" as a verb.
- Lovka's Dilemma - You never get away, you only get someplace else.